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How can a Wiccan live in a negative household?

Okay, I seriously need some advice. I am 25 and have just finished college. I still live with my mom and it is time that I start looking for a good job and venture off on my own. In the mean time, she is dealing with a hard time now that my father is gone (one year ago). She's always been pretty cynical, pointing out the bad things (mostly from the past), and has a woe is me attitude. Lately, she's been very needy. She is Catholic and so she had my sister and I participate in advent (she made it one hour long everyday). She's been wanting to watch movies all the time, and now she just went off on this 3 hour fit about how there is nothing she can do about being alone. I feel bad for her and want to give her support, but everytime I try to help she doesn't really listen to what I say. We are of two different worlds because she sees herself as a pawn that God moves around on this chess board. My question is, how do I take charge of my life without hurting her? I need time to make positive changes for myself. I'd really like to lose weight, find a new job, write, and become spiritual. Today, I tried walking away from her, but I felt so bad and somehow found myself staying put, crying and telling her about how I didn't want to be a victim like her. I feel very unloving and miserable, like she is bringing out the worst in me. What can I do? I can't do a spell for her because she would never give me permission (her being Christian). And I don't have time to do any spells for myself it seems. I'd do it in my room but I'm afraid she'd come knocking on my door and yelling for me to come do something. I may have to wait for a time that she is working, but I work mostly when she does. How can I stop being a victim to this situation? Would it really help to jumpstart my day psychic shielding myself? I start each day going out to have coffee with her because she likes that. But that turns out to be a huge chunk when I really think it's going to be only one hour. Not a very good way to start my day off. Maybe I need to wake up really early and do a spell before she wakes up, but I like to sleep in. What do people think? Anyone have an experience they could share?

Tags: Christian, Wiccan, lifestyle, parents, relationship

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Permalink Reply by Mailie on December 30, 2009 at 1:23pm

Wow, been there, done that. My ex burned all my stuff and his family was very catholic so I was a witch living with an abusive husband and in a catholic household. First thing is first, if you don't take care of yourself you can't help anyone else, So make time for yourself maybe after she goes to bed or take a walk during the day just to refresh and get some you time and you can use the time outside to cleanse yourself and zip up your shields. Second, do try and save and get out on your own, when you are not in the middle of a situation often times you can be more help from the outside of it, your mom needs to start relying on herself too, get her to talk to a priest and maybe a counselor, sometimes outside help can be better to self healing rather than leaning on those close to you because outside help makes you stand on your own, if you continue to be a crutch for her she will never learn to walk by herself. I am not saying this is easy or you should abandon her I am just saying that you need to distance yourself a bit and make her realize that she will never feel right as long as she has to rely on others. Also scheduling time with her and for yourself can help sit down with her and let her know you have goals for you but you want to include her in your life so set a calendar or schedule for time to spend with her and time to spend on yourself and STICK TO IT do not let her wheedle herself into your time, if you say you will have coffee from 10am to 11am then do that at 11am you then have an appointment you can not miss (even if it's just time for you) and leave, do not let her badger you into staying. If you need more help ask me, I have done this it is tough but you'll be better for it.

Permalink Reply by Canace Silvering on December 30, 2009 at 1:53pm

Thanks, you have some good advice. I'll try to talk to her about a schedule. The ploblem is that she is feeling bad and wants us to share in her bad mood. She admitted that to us today when I asked her if it were true. I think I'll wake up early so I can prepare myself for my time with her. Then I can bring more love into our relationship and not let her shift my mood for the entire day.

Permalink Reply by Mailie on December 30, 2009 at 2:08pm

Good luck and blessed be, you WILL get through this it just takes time and energy. Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel (nicely) and suggest ways to help her and you feel better and closer.

Permalink Reply by Raven Greywolf on August 19, 2010 at 9:46am

being in the crone stage and a solitary witch from a catholic home, as well as going through a divorce from an abusive man i think i may be able to share with you some concerns that your mom has been going through. normally we try to shield our children from our own problems rather tending to help the young ones with their's. my daughter is in college and working but she is a "non-believer" and so i'm certain my line may very well end with me. without your father your mom (depending upon her age and when she was raised/married), she may well be feeling totally lost - as if the world as she knew it has been torn out from under her thereby turning the "world to her" upside down and inside out. this is how i have felt since the abusive ex moved out may 09 as i slept! i should point out i am permanently disabled and now trying to run a home on less than a thousand a month - i point this out because i have a strong independent streak in me that forces me NOT to include my daughter in my problems but i do need her for emotional support so i get your mom.

whether you are wiccan, pagan, hindi or buddhist, we still live by the premise that our parents are our elders and the respect has to be there for us to expect the young ones to follow us to respect us. you do need (and can begin to live) your own life but that doesn't mean you abandon the one person who has seen you through conception, birth, childhood, skinned knees, broken hearts, etc. during her time of need. your mom should have friends of her own age and she sounds like she should become involved in perhaps her church's altar or rosary society, at least attend functions where she is with likeminded adults.

as for your spirituality, it will always be with you and may even change over the years. if your mom can not accept your belief system then just don't speak about it in front of her but rather seek other likeminded young adults such as yourself in your area and online. what beliefs we have at one point and season may well not be the ones we die with. change is good but please also see your mom's world from what i've tried to point out. basically she is probably just scared being by herself. she may be lonely and still grieving (the grieving process can take decades to get through). she may be worried about how to pay the bills, etc. these are the things we moms usually do not involve our children in - our worries seem to be less than the worries we have for our children. as i said....i have now been there and going through the same. at some point i'm certain your mom will find her inner strength but in the meantime, try to be more understanding. your time to shine will come sweetie, take care of the elders and you will have blessings from the universe for years. after all, it is from the elders that the young of the society learn and carry on. namaste

Permalink Reply by Megan L Herrod on December 30, 2009 at 2:10pm

It sounds like (to me) that your mother has a dependant relationship on you... which can be very straining for both of you. You may need to give her a little tough love.

Give her a christian perspective on things.... that will help her. Tell her that god must challenging her to overcome these issues with grace and dignity. As her "what would Jesus do, if he were in your shoes?" Tell her your father is in a better place now and would want her to live her life fully and happily.

Give her one good chance to get it all out. if she needs a shoulder to cry on, a freind, or whatnot give her one day to let herself go... She obviously needs a little comfort and closure. After that... tell her that you will not listen to her nagativity anymore. Tell her that it is bringing you down with her, and you cannot have it in your life. That is what coucelors are for. If she is unloading her worries on you day in and day out, it will put an unhealthy burden on your relationship. Coucelors can be that person, when you need someone to listen! If she feels like "going to a shrink" is unnessacary, tell her to at least talk to her preist for guidance. Preists are generally given practical training in helping people with greif and mourning.

Don't try to push spells on her... it will only make things more difficult. She needs to handle this herself- in a way that makes sense to her.

Beyond that... refuse to let her unload negativity on you. Encourage her to get out and do fun, happy things! If she just wants to lay in bed, wake her up anyways and say "it is a beautiful day and we are gonna go to the pancake house and have a big breakfast. If she is being anti-social, call up her freinds for her and say "mom is going through a tough time... would you mind going out to the movies with her so she can have some time to relax" Encourage her to get into hobbies, if it is reading- buy books- if it is art... see if she could join an art center.

Open ever conversation with a positive. "gosh it is nice out!" or "you look fantastic mom!"... and if she starts on to the "woe is me" stuff.... just say "oh that is unfortunate" and then immediately turn the conversation around. say "well anyways, did you here about ..." Dont let her drag you in to a sad conversation. Also, dont let her live in the past! If she says... "when your father was alive..." say "yeah that was great huh! Why dont we go out sometime and..."

It is hard for her! You have to be the one to put your foot down. Give yourself personal time and dont allow her to interfere. If she says "Don't go out and leave me here all alone" you need to gently affirm you are leaving regardless, and offer her an alternative. For example "I need to go out, staying in is making me anxious... If you are lonely why dont you call up some of your freinds?"

My dad was an alcoholic(not to say your mom is) and when my mom finally left him he became extremely depressed, angry and dependent on me. It actually got worse when he quit drinking. He was very volatile and negative in my life. I finally told him that I had my own life to lead, and i refuse to live as a victim. I said that I am responsible for 99% of the fortune and misfortune i encountered and life never just "happens" to you. I had to cut him out of my life for a while before he started to understand that I would not be brought down with him... if he wanted to have a relationship with me he needed to treat me like his daughter, and not like a wimpy kid to bully. Now this was EXTREME... but we do now have a much better relationship. The point is that sometimes you need to use tough love, and it can be very hard! You cannot allow yourself to fall into her funk. If it occurs, cleanse yourself of negativity (baths are good) and restart!

Blessed Be and Good Luck to You!

Permalink Reply by Ash Jao on December 30, 2009 at 7:26pm

Canace,
My Dad is 81 and let me tell you, if you don't start to get a handle on this situation, it is unlikely to get better on its own. Make it a priority to slowly and lovingly begin to distance yourself from her. Cutting the cord (the cord goes both ways!) sounds harsh, but it is, in essence, what you seem to be needing to do.
Remember that the Divine helps she who helps herself. You should seek support from Her and guidance in doing this. But as an adult, you need to be sovereign over your own life.
I wish you good fortune. Had I done this to distance myself from my father and his negativity, it may have helped him grow as well as saved me much pain.

Permalink Reply by Canace Silvering on December 30, 2009 at 10:24pm

I want to thank everyone for their wisdom. I think I can be strong and love my mom but set boundaries.

Permalink Reply by gypsy wolf on December 31, 2009 at 12:50am

To all of the ubove i aggre if you remember the past is your schooling and preparation for the future ,so therfor state your wische in waht you like and do not live in the past ,move forwards into a bright coming in a HAPPY NEW YEAR

Permalink Reply by Rev. Millie Toups/ Starlight)0( on June 20, 2010 at 9:04pm

Well said! I had to do the same thing. I know it hurts and is a heart wrenching thing to have to do, but the Lord & Lady will help you. I'll keep you in my prayers hun!

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Surdam on January 3, 2010 at 6:45pm

I think you've received a lot of excellent advice. I'd like to add something else. One thing I learned early on is that coming to Wicca and expecting to do a lot of spells and magick isn't what it's all about. Don't push yourself to worry about magick. There isn't a spell for everything, and if you get interrupted, well... Let's not even talk about that. Wait until you're on your own for that. Trust me, there IS time. You seem young, and you have plenty of time. Time's on YOUR side right now, and when you're on your own, you'll have time to do as you wish. Given that you're in her home, it seems only appropriate to abibe by what rules she's set for you, and it seems like as she wouldn't approve, you might want to abide by that. Just for now...

When you won't be interrupted, when you're on your own, you'll also be stronger and won't have to worry about it. What I DO think you should consider is getting up earlier, not sleeping in and showing her that you're an adult getting up and doing your own thing. That will give you plenty of time to do your preparations to shield yourself without interruption, and it will also prepare you for your day. You want to look on it positively, tho, and not negatively, starting anxious energy to that "OMG, I have to go out with MOM!" Start with the shielding, etc, then move on to, "Today's going to be a wonderful day, I'll have coffee with Mom, maybe we'll take a walk instead of sit in the cafe!" And you can enjoy the entire visit, and add a different dimension to it than what's been going on prior to then. Set it up before you go as someone else mentioned, that you have only a limited amount of time, so that you can set those limits. Then when you're done, you're done. Then you go where you need to go and set yourself up for a good day afterward. No fuss, no muss. You learn how to control the situation this way. See how it works.

Good luck to you. And trust me, I know how it is not to be living out on your own!

Hugs and BB,
jen :)

Permalink Reply by david brettin on January 17, 2010 at 11:36pm

sometimes people Have What They Call A negitive Experence But It Is just A persons Worry About What You Will Do With Your Life
Some People only Think About The Current Time And Not What Their Future Will Be
Don't Think That A Parent is 'nt Thinkings Things Through And causeing Negitive Thoughts
In A Room
Christian Teaching Can Cause A Parent To Worry Over Almost Nothing at all
They Just Don't Want You To Move To Far Away From Them
They Fear That You Will Be harmed And nobody Will Know Who You Are

Permalink Reply by Sky Wolf on February 19, 2010 at 4:14pm

MM Canace,

We mother's learn while you're still in the womb to be 'martyrs' LOL I think it comes naturally to us. You are grown now and it's a natural sequence of events for you to go out and spread your wings, leave the nest and all those other metaphors. Yes, your mom will be upset, especially after the loss of her husband. But, in time, she'll come to realize that it's only the circle of life continuing. Sit your mom down and talk with her. Simply explain to her that your lifestyles are very different and you feel you are ready to take the plunge into life, and that you would prefer to leave with her blessings rather than with anger. No one can live in a totally negative atmosphere. You could, but it's not really living. It would just be existing.
I was a single parent and when my son first left home at 18, I was totally devastated. We'd had an argument about a girl that he was dating (she was jail bait!), so, he left. I knew that he would grow up and leave home, but I hadn't pictured it that way. We later reconciled and things have been cool ever since. He's now 34 and we have a great relationship.
Bright Blessings to you
Sky Wolf