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I lost my son in Sept. 08, 2007, he took his own life and so its so hard for me and the family to accept. We are learning to live now, but it's still so hard at times. He was such a part of us, oh how I wish this wasn't a lesson any of us had to learn from. But here we are.... I will try very hard to be a positive influence, but there will be times I can't see a positive. I will usually be quiet during those times. Love, light and laughter!
Barb

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Permalink Reply by Changing Wind on August 19, 2009 at 10:41pm

Merry meet and Blessed Be,

I too lost my son to suicide on 20 Dec 2008 I've posted a few times before I saw your post. My family suffered the loss as well, but my heart has felt the greatest loss. I can certainly relate to your trying to be positive. I wish that I could find some positive in this loss, but for the life of me I cannot. It is just so fresh and too painful. Every month I relive the police coming to my home to inform me of his death. I will stop for now. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My heart goes out to your family. I hope that you will write me if you ever just want to share. Brightest Blessings to you and yours, Changing Wind/Peggy V.

Permalink Reply by Barbara K Garcia on August 20, 2009 at 10:19am

Thank you for your message. The one thing I know is: while time won't bring our sons back, time softens the pain. I wish I could say that it gets easier, but some days its like the very first day. It's like the ocean, ebb and flow.

Please tell me about your son, if its not too painful. My son Chris was 25, he took his life just a week after his birthday, by passive hanging. He was found by a neighbor early in the morning.

I agree, its hard to find anything positive in this, even the gift of growth and compassion fade when we see the price that was paid to learn it. There is so much of this that is impossible to understand, so much guilt, so many questions. So many "what ifs" and "if only", but none of that will change it. Bright blessings, I hope you have a gentle day. Barb

Permalink Reply by Changing Wind on September 9, 2009 at 3:09am

Blessings Barb,

My son, David, took his life with a firearm. He lived a hard, heart-breaking life, and he died a hard and final death. He would have been 32, 07 Jan 2009. I know that he was not where he expected to be at that age in life. He was, though, just finally getting his life together and I believed that everything was coming together for him. He really seemed happy, but that can be the illusion with depression and suicide. I also believe that his girlfriend pushed a button in him that pushed him over the edge on that particular day. He had bi-polar disorder and always walked a razor sharp edge. He had been drinking. He has always had poor impulse control, it was the holidays. He had not been working, but he had just got a new job. He had no money to buy gifts for the kids. He and his girlfriend had a fight. And he had a firearm in the home. A bad combination. That was it, the last night of his life.

It has not gotten easier yet. We took his son up north in MI, to one of David's favorite places, to spread some of his ashes. Perhaps I was deluding myself to think that I was ready to do that. It hasn't been a year yet, so it is still pretty raw. There is so much guilt in my instance. So many "would have, could have, should haves"... He was my child. His father never recognized him. My husband never fully accepted him. My parents helped raise him but I took him away from them when I married. So he had a pretty confusing childhood. He made some poor choices as a teen and like I said, lived a hard life.

I want a reason, but there really are no reasons for suicide. My family says that he took a coward's way out. I disagree. I think it is one of the hardest decisions an individual can make. Selfish perhaps, but not cowardly. I believe it is a choice that one makes. A poor choice, a final choice, but a choice none-the-less. I do understand that one must be in an aweful amount of emotional pain to make that choice and while it costs them so much and causes us much pain to live our lives beyond it, they are at peace, finally. At least that is what I am coming to understand from my loss. That is not to say that I fully understand the mechanism behind the act or condone it, I want to believe that his spirit is at peace and is free to soar to new heights.

Maybe I just want to find some comfort the only way that I know how. I am sure that there is more learning that I must come to, in time, to help me to accept the fact that he is gone and is not coming back in this physical realm. I can only hope that the pain and guilt will diminish over time so that I can truly celebrate his short life. Celebrate the man that he was becoming, the father that he was and would be. I still cannot understand his leaving the son that he wanted so badly; he loved so fiercely. But that is for the future to cope with, as his son starts to ask more questions and starts to forget his father. When the anger starts to surface. Another day.

I hope you will tell me more about your son and the circumstances surrounding his decision, if it is not too fresh or too painful for you. Do you ever sense his spirit or feel him close to you? My sister says we have to live, laugh, and love as we grieve our way through this loss. I hope that you are able to do a little of each every day. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to do the same. Today is a good day. Brightest Blessings, Peggy

Permalink Reply by WINDY on August 26, 2009 at 1:07pm