My life, then and now.

I suppose I should lay out a bit about who I am, and how I live. Maybe more so just to see for myself by using this little space to organize my thoughts. It is hard for me to think about the past 12 years I spent in the army. I am proud of my service, though ashamed to my core of the things I had to do in the name of country, and the time I spent away from my family causing them worry. I know now that my place is here. A bit of the Correllian philosophy helped to start the process of healing my heart. That bad things happen so that we may grow. That the Eternal Self is not deeply scarred as our physical psyche may be. I joined the army about the same time as I self initiated into Celtic Wicca. At the time, we were not accepted yet, so my Dogtags said Roman Catholic. To think that now there are Jedi Knights and Sith Lords walking around in military garb is more than a little amusing (though it does follow alot of the precepts of paganism). I joined the military because I really had no direction in life. It gave me structure, and for that I am thankful. Though there were hardships, I have seen many wonders. In Egypt, I was able to enter the Great Pyramid at Giza. I saw rain in the desert. I returned with Thoth as a patron. My first tour in Iraq, my psychic abilities grew. I developed a connection with the desert. I communed with symbologists and vampires. I killed. I returned sleepless, though with a steel in my heart that I had never known. My second tour in Iraq, I helped form one of the first Chaplain supported interfaith Pagan circles in a Deployed theater... one of only two that I know of. I gave offerings at the altar of Outdwellers. I found an intersection of ley lines and a green gate. I found the Fay. I rode into battle with Kali and the Morrigan at my back. I protected my comrades with wards. I raised a drinking horn of near beer in boast at the feast of the Einherjar. I pledged kinship to the Asatru path. I learned to read and write in runes. I saw a full godform assumption. I felt the power of the maypole at Beltaine. I led rituals. I taught classes. I danced the spiral and jumped over the bonfire. I connected with the powers of night. I lost my life as I knew it. I killed again. Since that time, i have suffered maladies of the heart and mind. Despair, depression, self doubt, loss of memory, loss of concentration, anger, and self pity. I am only now emerging from the crucible in my changed form. I was medically retired from the army. I thought to go to school for a degree in either Literature or Psychology. Being granted 100% disability from the VA may prevent that. I am now a stay at home dad. I DJ three nights a week. I sing and have picked up my guitar again. I still can't seem to write songs or poetry, but I have hope. I now have the time I have needed to fully dedicate myself to my personal goals. Self Mastery, psychic development, and an actual Magickal education. I feel now that even though college may be a mistake in my situation, it doesn't mean that I cannot dedicate my time to learning. I have the chance to be a father, a friend, a husband... I can now spend the time to help those in need. I can freely express my views in politics, and do all I can to support veterans like myself. I want to give counsel to those that suffer. I want to give time and aid to cancer and diabetes research. I want to aid in changing the discriminatory regulations within the military that are still allowed to exist. I want to be a person that I can be proud of... living in a country I can be proud of. In many ways, I am very lucky. I now have the framework set for a life I could only dream of. I have never been very materialistic. I measure wealth by the company you keep, not by the things you have. Completing the first degree course is only my first step. I wish to deeply thank the High Correll family for the work that they have done and the opportunity they have given us. I want to thank all of you for the sense of connection and community we share. I do wish to gain Clergy status with the Mother Temple, though I won't have the opportunity to visit until next year when I return home for good. Then being only a few hours away, I will be able to regularly attend and participate. This is the life I want. To cast aside self appointed pain and truly live again. Here I am... Here I remain. Always.