Sightless and Searching

So finally I feel like i want and need to vent a little bit. I'd normally do this on my livejournal, but it hasn't been playing nice lately.

tomorrow marks three weeks since surgery to reattach my detached retina in my only sighted eye, the right one. In the surgery a lot of things were removed, my reitna wa apparnetly very sick according to the doctor, most of it in fact was dead, this didn't surprise me one bit, honestly, it never has been in ebst of health even in the better times.

Lots of membranes and things that aren'ts upposed to be there were removed and the healthy bit that aws left was reattached. So far I onlys ee light and at that it isnt' very rbight. I can see my hand as it passes obstructing the light, but tis' just a shadow, no details yet.

Monday I was given a shot of avstin, so I ssume the spelling for that, that should clear out the floating blood clots and debris that is building up. My eye tends to this past year favor inflammation problems and new vein growth that is weak and breaks up dumping proteins, blood and otehr such things into my eye, clouding it. Obviously that doesn't matter much right now. I am hoping that the avastina cts quickly, the last time I had it my sight was clouded so bad I could only see light though then it wa s brighter. It cleared in four days, this time I think will take longer... which of course leaves me feeling a bit on the doubtful side of things.

August sixteenth or so marks the alst day I saw clearly ebfore my colors went weird and before myr eitna detached in earnest. This of cousre was my brithday, what a wonderful birthday present to get... more eye probelms...

I have been as patient as i can be with this condition, but it is the not knowing when things iwll return... or even if they will, that is eating on my nerves this week. According to my docs it is unknown when it will come back to sight, it is a matter of my optic nerve and retina and eveyrthing healing and working together agian. There is a great chance of sight int eh first two montsh afters urgery so they say, and anotehr week will be a month so that leaves the second month. I fear if I don't see some progress toward sight soon I might get depressed over this mroe than i already allow myself to be on occasion.

I spend my time busying myself with audio books, currently the Sookie Stackhouse series and Sherlock Holmes classics from Doyle. It keeps my mind blissfully busy so I don't dwell on my lack of progress or the things i have inevitably lost due to this loss of sight, primarily the lack of being able to play my video games that i am so fond of, read, and cook to name the top three bothers.

I've been cooking with microwave stuff, we had the microwave marked upw ith little stickers to point out the buttons, but stove top cooking? No way is that happening. I suppose if worse comes ot worse i'll learn and adapt and deal with the loss of one of my favorite hobbies, but for now I try very hard to keep optimisic.

It is good at elast hat I know this iwll all work out fine, I know i'll see agian, dont'a sk me how I have just known. If it's the will of deity I will see agian and all has beend one on our mundane side to fix this problem.

Despite my optimism and knowing I find myself falling into my old habit of doubt on occasion, but how can I not? So much time has gone by without my sight, the longer it progresses, so far longer than any former tempirary blindness i"ve had, I find it easier and easier to see it as permenant as much as this depresses me.

I suppose the biggest factor is that I am lonely here in my tiny town with no friends to keep me company. All friends I have are online or up to a htousand miles away or more. My only constnat company other htan my beloved elder cat Jazz is my mom and the time we spend together is spent mostly on the phone or gong to appointments.

I must be thankful at least for jaws whcih allows me this pelasure fo the computer, for without it I woudl surely go mad with cabin fever or soemthing. Without the computer to contact friends online I would not be handlign this very well at all. I suppose it is owing to that blessing that I can still be optimistic and busy myself and my mind.

I do spend time each day, even very little, trying to be thankfulf or waht I DO have, but alas it is still hard to do that some days when my mood is heavy, when I haven't slept well, whcih just promotes a more down trodden side of me.

I ahve odne well so far not to voice my doubts, it does no good i knwo, but I needed to voice them someplace. Lately my mind has been yearning for something, for some deeper thing to focus on, some brain food of sorts.

I seek something, some deeper meaning, some deep thing to think upon, perhaps osmething new to learn. I almost wish I was ins chol agian, it woudl give me some things to dwell on, flex my brain adn really get me to thinking.

Right now I feel abit lost, not sure what I am to do, floating on a raft amid a lake with no idea which shore to head for. I feel uttelry stuck in place with no direction other than to lay and allow the healing but i am not content with this, it is toos tagnant, but I have no idea what to do with myself.

My focus is shot which sucks, I have attempted to meditate a few times but to no avail, it seems i can't sit still enough even for that small task. I've spent time on occasion contempating my last three yeasr on my pagan path, noticed how the path continues to shift and change and take sharp turns right as I get comfortable, and I see hwo my own plans hav ebeen shot to hell over and over agian by some new shfit, this year mostly my eye problems and otehr things relating to family.

I contemplate and wonder why I even botehr planning when none come to pass thew ay i want, mostly I have had ot abandon them over and over agian. I thoguht by this time I would be well established in my massage therapist career, but this was not to be, I haven'te ven opened up my busienss, which si still not completely reconstructed. This has been a great annoyance but my sight prevents me formw orking , or rather, the restrictions on my activity due to srugery prevent me working in that field, sight is not needed.

I spend this time at Mabon contemplating what i've done, if anthing, this yer to be productive and think fo very little. I think of myself and realize that I'm just one more speck among the many of the world with no extraordinary characteristics that set me apart fomr the rest. I liek to think I'm creative, rather intelligent when I want to be, insightful and full of good advice, but I'm not so sure. This might seem like a slam on myself, maybe it is, but I knwo many a people with better characteristics than I out tehre, and those not so much.

I suppose the point to thsi last little bit is that I am still seeking my place in the world, that always seems to keep changing. I can't see what my place yet is, it seems to change too much, whatever it is deity has for me I can't see it. I have always thought at one point I knew, but chaos seems to keep stepping into my life in various forms and upheaving my ideas. I suppsoe in one way that is what i am seeking out while I recover, trying to find my place, teh resasons for my blindness, temporary or permenant as it might be at htis point.

I don't relaly know, but I thikn I've rambled here long enough and hope that it's made some kind of sense...

For now I guess i shoudl be happy merely keeping busy how I can, I've changed due to this and all for the better i knwo. I shouldnt' be in such a rush to jump into the next thing though I feel as htough I ened to do something for i am too stagnant and not doing anyone any good by it, including, and espeically, myself.

So I suppsoe for now I fade back into the mundane bits for abit, listening to the audio books and keeping my mind busy and content on thsoe sorts fo things until I find that deeper thing to focus on.

Until my next lovely rant, ramble adn vent...

Love, LIght and Blessings