The Wiccan Rede, Friendship, and Frustration- My Current Conundrum

"An it harm none, do as ye will" is what the Wiccan Rede states. So knowing that, what do we do when someone we care about has treated us badly, but will undoubtedly be asking for our help in the near future?

Let me explain. One of my closest friends has been having issues with an on-again-off-again boyfriend. The guy treats her badly but instead of doing something about it, she just lets him do whatever he wants to her; physically and emotionally. So ever since September she has been breaking up with him, getting back together with him, breaking up with him again, hooking up with him, avoiding him- it's a long and ridiculous cycle. And every time she ends things with him, she comes crying back to her circle of friends asking for help with him; pretty much everything from intercepting him and telling him she doesn't want anything to do with him, to asking for advice, to crying sessions- all of that. And none of that was ever a really big deal for us to help out with. At first. Now it's a monthly occurance and all of us are getting fairly annoyed with it.

Now, I for one have never been in an overtly abusive relationship so I'm trying to wrap my mind around "Battered Woman Syndrome" and it's not easy for me. I'm sure in her mind she feels like she has a connection with him in some way but really, it's hard to see.

The biggest issue for me with all of this is as her friend, I'm fairly sick of her lying about all of this. She'll go on for a solid month about how she hates him, how she's afraid of him, how she never wants to see him again which is all dandy until she, as per usual, gets back together with him. And after about the 3rd time of doing this I've started to pick up on her signals of when she's either wanting to get back together with him or is already with him. And I've told her in the past that she isn't that good of a liar and she should just be upfront with it instead of lying. I know the rest of her friends aren't supportive of her choice in mate and I can't lie- I really don't approve of him myself. He's a liar, a theif, a racists, a sexist, and a convicted sex offender, just to name a few things about him I just do not care for but hey, he's not my guy.

Anyway she continues to keep lying about all of this nonsense and here we are again, round 9 (that's counting all of the hookups) and it's the same thing all over again. I've gotta say, I'm really tired of having to listen to the same old cycle every day from her, and I'm even more tired of seeing my help and everyone else's being accepted, and then just thrown away. To me, that's really disrespectful of her. So I've decided to just take myself out of the whole equation. I'm tired of rewarding her bad behavior with a reaction, I don't want to hear about what he's doing to her, I don't want to hear about how she hates him, or how she is afraid of him because she will be right back to where she was before in no less than 3 weeks. Seriously, it's that often.

So I guess my biggest question is, considering the Wiccan Rede, is it right for me to stop being a part of her insanity? She is clearly not in a good, let alone safe, situation. Of course this is her doing and has absolutely nothing to do with me, so in that aspect my hands are clean. But if she were to need help would it be wrong of me to not jump back into the maddness of her neverending cycle? And what's worse is how will I even know if she NEEDS help since she hasn't been very honest about what's going in the past? I have a feeling that if she really was in dire need my intiution would pick up on it. And what's more how can I look at her and not feel a little bit upset? I know ultimately her decision has nothing to do with me, but I also can't help but feel like I've been lied to repeatedly. I could be completely wrong, as I said I really don't understand the way her mind works, being in an abusive relationship and all. This is one I definitley have to think on. This blog is more of a rant than anything, so hopfully no one was offended by anything I said. But who knows, maybe someone could share some insight on this topic.

Anyway, I guess that's all for now. I'm going to make some Imbolc moon cookies to help me calm my frustration.

Blessed be

P.S. This picture is the best match for my feelings- I thought it would help set the mood on a visual level

Views: 149

Tags: abusive, harm, lying, rede, relationship, relationships, wiccan

Comment by roy lee buchanan on January 23, 2014 at 9:30am

the best course of action is to let your friend and other friends who continue to enable her, know you don't want to hear about it. Be firm but polite.

Comment by Rafe on January 23, 2014 at 9:52pm

Dump her. It really is that simple. We have choices in this life of who we decide to spend our time with. So does she. The rede means we have free will to make our own life decisions as long as we don't step on other's lives to get there.

Comment by Rafe on January 23, 2014 at 9:57pm

Oh, and as bad as he seems to be, so what. I don't buy battered women's syndrome in this case, I think it's more of an addiction to adrenaline and drama. Then after a while she decides she hates being treated bad and runs to her friends, then in a few weeks her addiction kicks in and back she goes.

Comment by Oracle on January 24, 2014 at 11:53pm

Remove yourself from the situation..It is becoming an extreme annoyance for you, you cannot help a person that refuses to help themselves...

Comment by Dan Snead on January 25, 2014 at 12:08am
merry meet and blessed be everyone
Comment by Dawn Carbone on January 25, 2014 at 7:22pm

Your post pushed me to finally signing to this site. She is your friend and it seems you have done everything that a friend can do. It is time to step back. You seem to be in a dilemma regarding how you care for your friend though. Staying true to yourself while maintaining the Wiccan Rede, I have a suggestion. Create a protection charm/bag. Purple is representative of battered women, purple ribbons symbolize battered women awareness. So perhaps amethyst or some other purple stone. A protection incantation can be cast upon your "gift". Tell your friend that you can no longer stand by and watch the situation and the false promises. Let her know that your heartfelt caring for her is causing far too much pain and is making a toxic turmoil and you do not want to get to a point of truly resenting her. Let her know that you care by presenting her with the gift of protection. Let her know that their are people she can contact that, if she finds herself in dire need that websites are available in which she just has to type in an emergency text if she is in danger. Let her know their are computer apps that she can download that are a pc 911 that alert people if a dangerous situation occurs and the app also records the situation so she will not have the person endangering her capable of denying anything she is reporting as, the reality will be recorded. She will leave when and if she is ready. A protection spell/bag seems to be a wonderful option for you, make sure that you have protected your own being as you create it though!!!!!!! I hope this helps. Blessed Be...

Comment by Rev. Soren TwoCrows on January 25, 2014 at 10:33pm

Please know this this advice is just my own. As a matter of fact it could be terrible advice, but here it goes.

I believe that the Rede advises us to do what we will as long as we do not harm ourselves or others. The first part of this is that WE must do (take action) concerning our WILL. This means that we must be take action and therefore responsibility for our OWN will and its manifestation in OUR life. However, we are only responsible for our own WILL. We cannot usurp another's will, even if we think it is in our version of their best interest. There could be life-times of Karma at work here in your friend, or addictions to emotions, chemicals, or behavioral issues that are clearly beyond your control or understanding. Love and compassion are good. Sound advice is good. But beyond good advice and compassion, a slippery slope of fuzzy logic and equally fuzzy boundaries are found. I advise caution.

I also believe that relationships are like mirrors. This girlfriend and her relationship possibly are mirroring deep seated fears, attitudes, or patterns that you have strong feelings about, resulting from your own upbringing, beliefs, or karma. This may be why you are having a hard time disconnecting. This may also be an opportunity for some personal self-reflection and growth.

I heard you say that it bothers you that your girlfriend is lying and you mentioned her boyfriend, who has all these other morally questionable qualities. You have to understand that your girlfriend does not share your moral code. As shocking as it may seem to many, in several cultures in the United States, lying, cheating, sexual promiscuity, and drug addictions are accepted behaviors. The fact that you believe these to be wrong means they are wrong for you. Your morals are yours. No one can apply or expect others to be bound by their personal moral code, without violating the other’s free will (first part of the Rede). If someone’s code is so out of line with yours that it causes issues with your expectations of their performance or creates undue tension, then either determine to love them unconditionally (hard to do) or part ways. But just know that no two people agree on their Code. For instance, some may hate it when people lie to them, but think nothing of gossip or judging others. While another person may hate it when someone gossips about them but thinks nothing of downloading music and movies they didn't pay for. There is no one standard. All are free moral agents and this is why we have a Rede and not a ten commandments. Do according to your WILL (internal code) but harm no one. There are no moral codes in Wicca, only the rule of compassion, cautiously clothed in the Rede.

Then, there is the issue of harm to others. In Wicca for instance we should not use magic to consciously change the course of events for another, without their permission or request. For instance, asking your girlfriend if she would like protection, and then creating a magical charm or casting a protective spell for her would be in order. However, cursing the other guy, would not, as he did not directly ask you to do so. Another thing that can be done is to cast an enlightenment spell so that the two to them can learn their life lessons quickly and resolve the karma that is in play. However, you cannot call for a particular outcome. For instance, it is one thing to cast an enlightenment spell so they obtain awareness and resolution. It is another, to cast the same spell with the idea they break up (grey magic). Remember, resolution, sometimes ends violently.

You can teach your friend protection and maybe this experience will open the door for her personal or spiritual development.

Finally, there is the issue of harm to self. I have come to believe that all suffering is caused by our attachment to outcomes. You sound very distraught. It is obvious that you are suffering and have a sense of anxiety and powerless that leaves your with your provable head buried in your hands. I suspect that your attachments to what you believe are good outcomes, your judgments concerning this, and your desire for your friend are placing you in a funk. Release your expectations, let go of the thought that you know the best outcome, and don't bother judging anyone involved because they don't share your view of right and wrong, and therefore find your judgement to be partially irrelevant and possibly annoying. In short, relax, your not in charge, your not responsible, and universe is going to do what its going to do.

In summary, I suggest, offering protection magic, enlightenment magic, sound advice, compassion, and a non-judgmental and unattached listening ear. I once heard someone say “our minds create our drama and we are all queens”. It sounds like your friend is creating her drama and living it out (in her actions), and you are creating your own drama about her and living it out (in your thoughts). I'm going to bet that these are two different dramas and only thing that is the same is the actors.

PS: These opinions are those of a deranged witch and they may be totally whacked. If so, I apologize.

Peace out and good luck,


Comment by Raincloud on January 26, 2014 at 7:21am

I don't think this has anything to do with the Rede. I've always seen the Rede as chiefly about Magickal practices. If you are applying a No Harm ethic to daily life interactions, then saying 'no' is not harmful and it's often the best decision. Remember harming none, includes yourself. If YOU fail to put up healthy emotional boundaries, then WHO do you expect to do that? Do you expect other people to establish your boundaries?

The Friend needs to go.

Comment by Pamela Militello on January 26, 2014 at 2:11pm

Saying no to others is not always an easy thing to do. I feel for you. In this case you are applying the harm none ethic to the mundane. If so, harm none applies to Yourself as well as to others. Maintaining your current involvement with her (with all things remaining equal) may be breaking the harm none concept as this current involvement both enables her and harms you. Just viewing this from a different perspective. Blessed Be.

Comment by Pamela Militello on January 26, 2014 at 2:54pm

To: Rev. Soren TwoCrows
Your post is very helpful and enlightening to read for many reasons. Thanks... for being you, I presume...


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